I recapped the entire thing to my friend over a hysterical video chat, beginning with the arguing, leading up to the Tinder notification, and ending with the discovery of another woman's nudes in his deleted iCloud folder. My friend's very first question, amidst my tears and freshly packed suitcases was, Was she Black? Her race did not once cross my mind, but rather how the man I loved had his arms wrapped lovingly around a woman who was not me. After weeks of replaying what went wrong, what went right, and all of the typical questions that plague one at the end of a relationship, I couldn't help but wonder. Recognizing my own privilege of affording to live and travel abroad, the sea of whiteness I tiringly find myself swimming in has made me hyperaware of how my race and performance of femininity as a straight, cisgender African-American woman affects how I navigate different cultures, and how they treat me in return. I once believed women mistaking dislike for envy was a sexist way to hide insecurity, but after being in white spaces in both my social and professional life — spaces I typically steered from during my university days — I am discovering it holds some merit. Femininity is measured in whiteness, and those who benefit from white ideals of beauty but aren't necessarily conventionally beautiful are noticeably uncomfortable when women ranked lower on the racial hierarchy are praised for their looks.
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